Monday, August 15, 2011

Wednesday is The Day.....

So, I've been sick for a while, nothing life threatening but some
pretty heavy stuff. Basically I have a tumor/cyst growing on my ovary.
This is nothing new to me, I had the same thing happen when I was 17,
except that tumor was 10 inches big
and completely took over my ovary.
Down one ovary.
Fast forward two years, I'm the lucky 10-15% where the cyst reappears,
but now on my other ovary. 
For the last three months we've been tyring
everything to stop what seems inevitable,
So on Wednesday I'll be going in surgery
trying to remove the cyst without taking my last ovary.
My doctor said;
"You have to ready when you wake up to not have a ovary."
Thoughts started running through my head;
"Why me?"
"What did I do wrong?"
"I will never be able to have my own child."
"Who's going to marry a woman who can't have kids?"
"Whatever I did I'll fix it, I won't do it again."
"I will never hear my child's heartbeat."
"God....I'm sorry."

I think of how undeserving I am of God's grace,
yet He continues to pour it out to me.
I think of all the times I've sinned against my God,
but still, He loves me unconditionally.
I think of all the pain I cause my Savior
only for Him to show me mercy. 
Through these trials and obstables
I have never felt the love of my Heavenly Father so apparent as I do right now.
I know He knows me.
He knows every little thing about me.
He knows my fears, my joys, my trials,
He knows how many hairs are on my head.
He created me, every part of me.
& I am so grateful for that knowledge, for that truth.
The atonement is beautiful, & so is our Savior.
Because of the cross, Jesus FEELS everything I am going through right now.
He understands & for that, I am blessed. 
I am oh so blessed.

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